The Student's Guide to Chemistry in 3 Simple Steps

The Student's Guide is a blog series designed to reflect a certain blogger's snark when confronting school while also imparting useful advice to fellow apocalypse survivors on how to become successful in school without becoming a robot of the education system.

Before we dive in this post, a couple notes on where I've been lately: last Sunday, I wrote on The Fangirl Initiative on why Dr Helen Cho of Avengers: Age of Ultron should stay. I also reviewed A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J. Maas and explained why it didn't live up to the hype.

And onwards! Some time ago, I wrote a post on why electrons are smarter than humans. Today, I'm going to use a similar analogy to teach even science-blind people (who are still awesome, btw) the basics of chemistry, and entertain fellow science nerds.

1. Protons are greedy people.

Fig. 1: An atom.

On Fig. 1, because figures are scientific, we can identify the red/brown mass with the greedy, evil face. That is the nucleus, which comprises of the greedy protons and the neutrons. The protons are greedy, or in scientific terms, positively charged.

The neutrons are very lazy and don't do anything—they're dead weight. Protons contribute to both the charge (greediness) and the mass, where neutrons contribute to only the mass.

The gold trails are the orbitals, with the green money as electrons. As you can imagine, money and greed will attract each other, so electrons are negatively charged and attract protons.

The electrons, or money, are stored in 'purses' of eight coins/electrons, also called electron shells. (Actually, the nth electron shell can hold 2*n^2 electrons but prefer to hold 2 or 8.) You will learn in higher level chemistry that these purses are further subdivided, but that's okay. You don't care yet.

So far: greedy protons, money electrons, and purses to hold them. Good so far?

2. Atoms like full purses. 

I mean, we did assume its protons were greedy. But they don't neccesarily want more money, they want full purses. Remember, they have purses that can normally hold 8 coins. But they just can't toss the money on the streets. It's just not allowed. There are two possible situations:

There is one atom which has $7 and another which has $17. If atoms were as weird as people, they'd try to steal all of the other atom's money. Instead, the $17 atom will donate $1 to the $7 atom, hence one of them now has $8 and the other has $16. Now everyone's happy! This is called an ionic bond.

A more complicated scenario is when we have two atoms with $7. Now, you'd think there's no way around it, but protons are creative. What they'll do is sit down around a table and each put $1 on there. So the table has $2 and they have $6 in their purse. Now the protons count their money ... 6 in the pocket, 2 on the desk! Voilà! This is why it's so difficult to engineer atomic bombs; atoms just don't like to fight, okay?

3. I lied. Atoms fight all the time.

Unfortunately, atom fights are like monopoly. There's always that one person who wins and becomes RICHER THAN THE BANK. (Seriously. That happens to me all the time.)

Ahem! As I was saying, all atoms are equal, but some atoms are more equal than others. They have more protons and hence are stronger and greedier; scientists like to call them highly electronegative. A measure of how greedy atoms are is called electronegativity.

Whichever atom is greedier, or more electronegative, can pull the money-electrons on the table (or in a covalent bond) towards itself. The table isn't just a dot; it's at least 1D, or a line, so the electrons can be closer to the greedier atom, which becomes more negatively charged as its greed is satisfied.

Any non-sciency people feel more confident? Any other analogies to contribute?

Takeout isn't funny enough these days. For more humourous takeout like this post, let me write monthly letters to you!

The Student's Guide to Saving Time for Sleep

Thanks to everyone who filled in my flash survey! (Also, you seem okay with me calling you grasshoppers, so that's the community name from now on.) For those who haven't yet, I will shower you with takeout if you answer 8 simple MCQs for improved future content!

The Student's Guide is a blog series designed to reflect a certain blogger's snark when confronting school while also imparting useful advice to fellow apocalypse survivors on how to become successful in school without becoming a robot of the education system.

Ask any high-schooler how much they sleep and they'll stare at you like you've gone crazy. SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK. Oh, and this post is Hunger Games-themed ... because the odds are never in our favour.

(x)

1. Make a Cornucopia stock-up list.

(x)

How long are you at school every weekday? How long are you in class? I'll bet it's less than whatever your previous answer was. Do not let the munchkins steal that time.

Find a post-it. Write down all the trivial things you can handle in a second. Email a project partner. Find that chemistry worksheet. Read the article your teacher thinks is inspirational. Trust me, you can handle most non-strictly-homework things in less than 5 minutes, and you can do it anytime: on the bus, between lessons, after lunch.

2. Form your alliances.

It's very difficult to survive without someone watching your back, unless you're a sneaky bastard who is never noticed. (That was a compliment.) But why bother, when more than one person can make it out of school? (Hint: the person rambling about differentiation isn't one of them.)

Find a group of friends of similar, or rather, more competency than you. Pool your test notes and discuss strategies (and, of course, convincing the teacher you're right.) Advise each other on homework, but I do not condone copying. I repeat: I do not condone copying. It is ridiculously easy to get caught. Note that this does not apply for maths, because there's only one right answer and everyone does maths wrong in the same ways.

3. Suck up to the sponsors.

Teachers aren't that hard to understand when you keep in mind one thing: they have all the power. Yes. It's that simple. Know this, understand this, accept this. So if they have all the power to, say, give you homework and detention, they also have all the power not to.

In the first month or so of school, out-perform yourself. Hand in homework early. Do the extra credit work. Ask for personalised feedback. Pretend to be a model student, in other words. Once you've built that good impression, you've opened the gates for the rest of the year. So if you need an extension or a better explanation than the incredibly vague question, the teacher will be more inclined to help you.

Case in point: I switched to a new school this year. Since I was super nervous, I actually behaved in class for once. Keep in mind no one knew me at this place. By the end of the first month, I was chosen to become a prefect trainee. And since you're reading my blog, you know no one in their right mind would pick me for a prefect. Point no. 1: Tumblr.

I'm not saying this is logical. I'm just saying, teachers have all the power.

4. Learn acting, berry-gathering, archery, and cooking.

It's like the law of demand, but cooler.

This is called the law of multitasking, which states that the more things you do at a time, the less likely you are to procrastinate. I know, it sounds contradictory. But let's say you have your maths homework, your literature essay, and your presentation all on your desk. So when your attention span inevitably wanders from the maths, you can immediately start working on the essay instead of going on Tumblr.

The trick here is to carefully choose which things to multitask on. It's better if they're from the same subject or type of subject: for example, all the science subjects, or all the humanities subjects, or all the history homework your teacher saw fit to pile on you. But more importantly, it should be the same type of task: for example, it's all homework, or it's all revision. Otherwise, you'll find yourself gravitating towards the less work-oriented one. I mean, given the choice to sit in front of your notes or actually pound out an essay, what would happen?

Maybe these rules sound contrary to what school tells you. But to win the game, subvert the Gamemakers. Remember who the real enemy is.

How do you manage your time for studying and homework? What tips do you have for fellow students? Share in the comments!

Help other tributes—sorry, students— save time:

• Sleeping at 3AM? @AlyssaC_HK has 4 tips for students to save time with the Hunger Games. (Click to Tweet)

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The Student's Guide to Doodling

Sorry, did I say doodling? I meant taking notes. Wait, what do you mean, they're the same?

Actually, they are.

But before we go on, credit where it's due: this blog post was inspired by this post by the lovely Rona Wang on Blogger, Wattpad, Figment and Twitter. And now, the actual post ...

1. Don't use your hands.

Chill, I'm not telling you to hold your pen with your teeth. But find out your school's policy on laptops and tablets, because it's so much faster to not only type, but also spellcheck, italicise, bold, or instantly search for any weirdo things the teacher might say.

At least, try to persuade the teacher to send you the teaching materials and exercises after class. Not only does this save time in trying to figure out what "Carbon :D :D" is supposed to mean in your notes, it also neatly avoids problem (2).

2. Don't use your imagination.

By this, I mean no doodling. Believe it or not, it's normally something in the material that sparks a random thought, which leads you on a dozen tangents before you start redrawing the characters of Sherlock as sheep.

That example, by the way, was found in my physics notes last week; after an hour of staring confusedly at vectors and forces and acceleration, I realised a question on a ball falling to the ground suggested the ideas of buildings, falling, etc. (Attempting avoid spoilers here!) Which then led to season 2 of Sherlock, and then hence my doodles.

So focus on what the subject matter is about. Don't try to associate too much with other things when you're taking the notes.

3. Don't use your brain — okay, moderate usage of.

It is, of course, important to sort of know what you're doing. But there comes a point when, say, the teacher will tell you lichen is sensitive to air pollution. Being an inquisitive critical thinker, you immediately wonder why and analyse the previous diagrams showing the structure of lichen. By the time you come up with a vague and probably incorrect theory, the teacher has moved on to bread mould, and you've completely missed the exam-important points regarding that.

So save the questions for revision, not halfway through note-copying. Especially since teachers tend to interpret staring-off-into-the-air as daydreaming, not considering the validity of their sources. Because that's totally what you're doing, right? Right?

4. Don't use your ego.

Form alliances. I realise this point comes up quite a few times in the Student's Guide series, but it is important. Have a partner always copy a ppt slide from the bottom up while you start from the top, or vice versa. Personally, I prefer copying the lower points because (a) most people start from the top and you can find your missing points more easily and (b) teachers have this funny habit of leaving important points to the end.

Better yet, recruit a bunch of friends and form an alliance to enact point 1: cajole the teacher into sending you the teaching materials and more importantly, the suggested answers.

Or just find a friend who's good at hacking and have them steal the future exam papers. Don't forget to introduce me!

That's it for today: please do leave a comment whether you laughed to death, were shocked by my ridiculous comments, or simply awesome enough to make my day by saying hi :D And don't forget to subscribe for more random morbid insanity!

The Student's Guide to House Targaryen

Or, take back what is yours with fire and blood.

Note: if you actually have a dragon, just bring it to school and you have no need to read this guide.

For mere mortals, though, it may be more difficult to coerce the teacher to give you an A on the exam. In fact, most of us are probably happy with a pass. But when your answer is rejected with stupid reasons (or you're half a mark away from pass), here's how to argue with teachers and get your marks back.

1. Ensure that you can actually argue for marks.

This is unlikely to be something established by a figure of authority. Consult more experienced victims (i.e. older students) as to possible consequences when demanding what is yours. Do not, and I repeat do not challenge the rules unless you are certain you can win.

Situations where it is okay to demand the right to argue for marks: the teacher is new, the teacher is the only one who doesn't permit it, the teacher is not a figure of terror.

Situations where you do not even try: marks will be deducted, the teacher is evil.

2. Do not invalidate the model answer; prove it doesn't invalidate other answers.

Even when you truly, deeply know that the model answer is as crap as George Lucas love stories. Start by asking why your answer is incorrect. Listen intensely. Always suggest your answer as an alternative. Under no circumstances yell "I don't care about the textbook, it's incorrect!"

(I haven't done that in front of a teacher, but I did when I was doing a biology MCQ past paper. A biology postgrad friend and I chose D. A high school just-graduate and the model answer chose B. *facepalm*)

3. Find your own army of Unsullied.

Most of the time, you have a group of ready allies behind you: your classmates. Chances are, you're not the only one to get the answer wrong. Rally these people. There is superiority in numbers, and at least the teacher will know you're serious (and experienced). Huh, nice assonance there.

To illustrate how successful this tactic is, I once had an entire hall of 200 odd students applaud for me as I emphatically pointed out exactly why my interpretation of the assigned text was supported by textual evidence and commonly accepted connotations and symbolism of natural objects. The teacher ended up posting lists in each classroom about the mark edits because nearly everyone got marks back.

4. Win or lose, do it with good grace.

We (as in all students) hate to admit this, but teachers do have the upper hand. If you're aiming for better scores, you can only draw the line so far. Know when to just shut up, step back, and complain to your classmates instead. If you threw a fit (I did once), send a polite, not-really-heartfelt apology email. (Letters cannot get past my conscience, but they're more kiss-ass.) Trust me, this sort of thing works. You might even get that mark back.

That's it for today: please do leave a comment whether you laughed to death, were shocked by my ridiculous comments, or simply awesome enough to make my day by saying hi :D And don't forget to subscribe for more random morbid insanity!

The Student's Guide to Summer Camp

Note: I realize that summer vacation is mostly over and this post is pretty much rendered moot, but I will make a note to repost this before next year's summer vacation. (Oh my goodness, I can't wait for school to be over already.)

Note 2: This post is mainly based on my experiences at the AMAZING Wu Chieng Shiung Science Camp in Taiwan. Seriously, anyone who speaks Mandarin and loves science, join next year. Feel free to email me at alyssa[dot]carlier[at]gmail[dot]com for exclusive tips — I actually won an award, so. ;)

1. Do not adhere to the theme of the camp.

Because everyone else is going to adhere to it. And, hey, that's just boring. At WCS, I introduced myself as a literature lover; if I were at a literature camp, I'd call myself a fledgling scientist. Change your identities so as to be unique and not a boring 1D person.

But more than that, you want to meet someone and stay in touch after camp, which is so much easier if you have multiple overlapping interests. Probably everyone at WCS was interested in science, but I couldn't very well exchange emails with everyone. (And even if I did, I wouldn't bother finding them again in the loooong list.)

2. Talk to people randomly.

This is extremely creepy in daily life. But at camp, no one seems to mind. Say anything from "I love your accent" to "nice hair" to "what's your Tumblr". If you notice someone in the corner, you've found your next target. Take it from the person who used to be in the corner that we'd love a chat.

And to find them again (or at least flatter them with the illusion you will do so), remember to add them on Facebook, Twitter, or whatever social media you choose. Contrary to what I said above, Tumblr is actually not the best for keeping in touch.

3. Cheat.

By which I mean consult old hands. (If you're reading this blog post, you've got a head start.) What's the dress code? What sort of lectures tend to be interesting? What's the meal etiquette? Most importantly, are there rewards and how do you get them?

4. Enjoy.

It's the vacation, guys. Chill.

The Student's Guide to Surviving Classes

Instead of dividing this into points which are elaborated on, I'm going to divide this by different sections of the class. No, not like geometry and algebra and arithmetic, that wouldn't really be insanity, would it?

1. Beginning of term

What most people do: Resolve to pay attention, do readings, complete homework, etc. Attempt to take notes. Listen to the teacher rant about "class rules".

What you should do: Read through all and any textbooks, notes, etc. that you have. Evaluate the class in terms of difficulty and remember it can always be easy, except maths. Evaluate the teacher and decide how much attention you want to pay, normally ranging from none to 20%. Identify diligent and kind classmate to borrow notes from.

Acts of procrastination: Daydreaming, doodling on textbooks.

2. The middle period when exams are ages away

What most people do: Do everything in class but listen. Hand in homework late. Incur the wrath of the teacher.

What you should do: Pay the amount of attention designated above, which will be more than your classmates. Copy notes from identified diligent and kind classmate. Know that you understand what the material is about because you have read it and, contrary to what teachers think, are literate. Complete homework in class.

Acts of procrastination: Playing on phones, dozing, chatting. Anything so long as you don't get yelled at too severely.

3. Right before exams

What most people do: Study in class. Freak out.

What you should do: Double the amount of attention you pay, so you won't miss exam tips. Study according to my guide. Relax. You read this blog, you're gonna be fine.

Acts of procrastination: Try to avoid it, but if you have to, just avoid Tumblr.

And there you are: simple, sweet methods to get you through class without flunking the subject.

The Student's Guide to Revision

If the school timetable tells you exams start on the 20th, you know they really start on the 10th. Oh, you make up your mind to lock yourself in a room with your textbooks and notes without any entertainment, but today's Student's Guide to Revision will take you through how to study effectively, efficiently, and cynically.

1. Throw out most of your textbooks/notes.

Like it or not, the truth is that most of the stuff you do in school won't be tested. That translates to most of your time in school is wasted, but really, that can' t be helped. Stop wasting any more: if it's not in the syllabus, throw it out. If it contains pictures that are borderline out-sy, throw it out.

But this isn't Asshai — if an onion is half rotted a worksheet is half useful, keep it. Make a note somehow; highlight the useful lines, draw a star, rip out the useless bit. Do what you like; after all, no one reads those notes after exams.

2. Now, ignore the rest.

Chill, I didn't tell you to sort for nothing. Collect your notes and condense them into a simple document. Honestly, you'll realize that teachers like to say things over and over and over again. The point of this exercise is to allow yourself to study 5 pages of stuff that will be tested instead of 30 pages of semi-useful, doodled-over nonsense.

Trust me, it works. I once condensed my entire biology textbook into 3 pages of notes. And proceeded to score an A+.

3. Don't study too early.

You always make a resolution that you'll start studying for year-end exams in Easter, but it never seems to work out. It is not your fault. Teachers have an irritating tendency to teach until the last class and test you up to that. Or, they give out last-minute exam tips. Besides, studying too early will just make it easier to forget all the material.

Commence prep work (i.e. step 1) earliest after the second last lesson before the exam, and actual studying after the last lesson. Ignore teachers who tell you otherwise. Who's taking the exam, you or them?

(Interesting anecdote: there was a question in my math exam that no one could do. When we asked the teacher to explain, he refused because it would take half an hour. FYI, the exam was 1.25 hours long and we had 17 other questions. Woohoo.)

4. Moderate the amount of distraction during studying.

Moderate, not minimize. Locking yourself with your study materials is just asking for sleep. Allow a certain amount of distraction that will hold your attention fleetingly—instrumental music (not pop music, and dear heavens, certainly not an album you adore), 2048 if you've beaten it, sudoku, whatever works for you. Its job is to let your brain rest for a couple of minutes but not be interesting enough to eat up hours.

Tumblr. No, no, no, no, and no. Just, no.

You can go on afterwards, okay? That distraction level is in the skies.

(I'm wondering if I'm a bit too serious; I've tried to keep my voice light and snarky, but somewhere my inner nerd came out and forced me to give actual tips. What do you guys think?)

The Student's Guide to Enjoying School

I can feel your eye-rolls from across the globe. It is possible to enjoy school? Surprisingly, yes, even for your favorite random morbid insane blogger who heaps snark at everything.

By the way, this blog post was triggered by a discussion with the lovely Nivedha over at Infrared Pedestrian—go check her out! (But remember to come back, even though her blog is awesome.)

Warning: Snark level is lower than usual. It is still absurdly high.

Assumption: School per se is not oppression, it is the institution of school that is.

That sounds like BS, but school is comprised of people, no? Students, teachers, the principal, the cat ... in their own ways, all of these people are also being oppressed. Here's how to enjoy school by sympathizing, empathizing, or petting these various groups:

Thesis: By connecting with other oppressed people, you will become less oppressed.

1. Other students

Logically, it shouldn't be hard to connect with this bunch. You're all in the same boat, right? Well, funnily enough, some people like to push others out of the boat. Or use them as a sail. Or carve them up to supplement their ascorbic acid intake. Or ... you get the point.

So how do you stop yourself from getting pushed out? By making sure you steer the boat, or at least a slice of it. Start offering help on your best subject, except to the straight-A student. Make witty comments. Most of all, mock the common enemy, perceived as teachers. (The aforementioned straight-A student may also qualify.) However, at the same time, tackle that group:

2. Teachers

Those eyes are rolling out of their sockets now. Yes, teachers are being oppressed too. You think they actually want to stand around in classrooms full of kids going on Tumblr and ramble about things only they understand?

You want to do some careful evaluation first, of course, but try complaining about things that also affect them. Weirdo timetables that put lunch at 2. Skipping important concepts in the syllabus (no, teachers don't want to do that). If you want to take it really far, ask questions out of the syllabus, but that is likely to cost you the friendship of group 1.

If you really feel that you can't connect with the people who give you a D, remember that by doing so, you might just raise that grade to a C-.

3. The principal

... wait, don't. Just run and never be important enough to attract his/her attention.

If you do get noticed, you have two options of doing something that is vaguely meaningful. The boring one is to list out suggestions in the most politely worded way possible. This is unlikely to yield anything but will create the impression of you being a revolutionary.

The more interesting one, and the one I recommend, is to list out insults in the most politely worded way possible, and preferably without making him/her notice. This will make you feel genuinely amused when talking with him/her and s/he will mistake that as you liking the conversation.

Bonus: Afterwards, you can connect with group 1 by recounting how the principal is clueless. Two birds with one stone.

4. The cat

If all fails, pet this little fellow and feed it some food. It probably needs more love than sleepy students shambling past it in the morning. It'll warm up to you straight away, and cats are sooooo adorable. A little cuteness can only make your day better.

Conclusion: This blogger is incapable of staying on topic and will fail this essay.

The Student's Guide to Surviving Tests

It's once again test season over here, and this time round I've put together some hard and fast rules for surviving your tests! (Not to be taken seriously. Your teacher will not appreciate it.)

1. Suspend common sense.

This is a universal rule for all subjects. Take note that logic is not equivalent to common sense. Logic means a slow and thorough thinking process which any human with common sense does not require to arrive at the conclusion. Resist. Suspend common sense, accept whatever the textbook says, and find a way to the model answer foregone conclusion.

2. Use psychology and reverse psychology as necessary.

Learn to predict the irrationality of the model answers. Consider not, "What is correct?" but "What seems to be correct from the examiner's perspective?" This technique is especially effective in MCQs. A good rule of thumb is to choose C when utterly clueless, and take into consideration the proportion of each choice in other answers.

That said, some examiners are particularly twisted and set all the answers to be D, just to trip you up. Before the test, take the time to understand your examiner's personality and evaluate the possibility of such an occasion.

3. Decide the length of your answer not according to the question, but according to mark allocation.

Examine past papers for the depth and length of answers required per mark. If a question is only work one mark, never mind that the question is ridiculously broad — a sentence or two would do. If it's worth twelve marks, rattle off anything and everything that comes to mind. The examiner normally doesn't notice.

It's also worth paying attention to the number of lines given. While the mark allocation is more important, how much you've filled up the lines can also change the examiner's impression. Which leads to ...

4. Master the art of rephrasing.

When #1 is combined with #3, you may find yourself saying the same thing over, and over, and over, and over again until the word over no longer looks like a word. To befuddle and impress the examiner, say the same thing in different ways. It is often advantageous to your score to reiterate a point you have already made. The artistic repetition of a certain concept can make your answer appear more scholarly and hence correct. See what I did there?

An exception to this rule is biology (at least in my school). Do not ever deviate even one word from the textbook. Not even the preposition. Not even the structure. Just print it all out.

5. A bunch of Chinese idioms.

Because ancient Chinese people were a bit weird, here are two idioms and a derivation by yours truly from the exact same words:

• 不勞而獲 (bu lao er huo, do no work and receive a profit)
• 勞而不獲 (lao er bu huo, work but receive no profit)
• 不勞不獲 (bu lao bu huo, do no work and receive no profit)

If you ever think that studying is useless, remember it is better to not do a thing and not get a thing back, than spend hours sweating over geometry and still fail your test. And I end my not-too-encouraging lecture with another Chinese saying:

笨蛋

(literally: stupid egg)

Don't be one. Follow my instructions. (Believe it or not, I actually use these. And they work.)